Judgement day! =))

  • Lawyer:Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
  • Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
  • Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

====================================================

  • Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
  • Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
  • Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
  • Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
  • Witness: “Er…his face?!”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
  • Witness: “I forget.”
  • Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
  • Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
  • Witness: “Yes, sir.”
  • Lawyer: “What did she say?”
  • Witness: “‘What disco am I at?'”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
  • Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
  • Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
  • Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “What happened then?”
  • Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”
  • Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
  • Witness: “No.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–“
  • Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

====================================================

  • Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
  • Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
  • Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
  • Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
  • Witness: “Four times.”

====================================================

Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
  • Witness: “Borofkin.”
  • Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
  • Witness: “I can’t remember.”
  • Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
  • Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
  • Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
  • Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
  • Witness: “No.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
  • Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”
  • Witness: “Fair.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
  • Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”

====================================================

  • The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
  • Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
  • Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
  • Witness: “Attached to the ears.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
  • Witness: “Oral.”
  • Lawyer: “How old are you?”
  • Witness: “Oral.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
  • Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”

====================================================

  • Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
  • Witness: “The victim lived.”

====================================================

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